The power of this Full Moon cannot be underestimated, with the Moon within a degree of Pluto in Capricorn and opposite Mars with the Sun in Cancer. Whatever we have been hiding from, wherever we’ve been dishonest with ourselves, whatever we are unwilling to face directly for healing is going to be showing up for a reckoning.
And.. I’m going to be really honest here. I’ve been struggling over the past couple of months with love addiction. It’s been in my face and I’ve become intimately familiar with it. I’ve gotten to see I’m not above it. I’m as easily pulled under by addiction as any other addict.
I’ve seen where I give my power away and lose my center. I’ve seen how the intensity of one experience makes other areas of my life that I care about feel dull. I’ve seen how I kept pushing aside the feeling of pain in my belly and the intuitive hits I got that were telling me every step along the way exactly what was wrong and what I should do about it.
I’ve seen how I didn’t want to eat, and how my life began to feel gray and I lost my motivation. How a relationship with elements that so resonated with my soul purpose, and where our two souls met at such deep level (at the level of spirit there was no problem) caused a dynamic nonetheless that was continually at risk of killing off other parts of my life, and his as well.
Today I woke up.
It hurts. It’s hard. And I’m probably still in shock. But I’m grateful. And I’m feeling a lot of compassion for myself and my dance partner. Yea. That might change once the shock wears off. Compassion is my default.
At the level of spirit I know if there wasn’t some spirit to spirit soul to soul connection, or some deeper impulse for healing and soul learning, we wouldn’t have been so pulled to be together.
This is not a black and white issue and love and healing are not linear. We are complex human beings and facing our inner trauma and shadow is not for the faint of heart. Pluto teaches us that we must surrender to the irrational aspect of our nature so as to learn the deeper truth of who we are.
If we try to manage and control ourselves too much, to be too good, something is going to explode. For some of us that might mean judgment and meanness toward others coming out of nowhere. For others it might mean getting pulled into too much of a good feeling thing that dulls our senses and distracts us from our purpose.
But everything in life can be used as a teacher. And right now during the Mars Pluto Full Moon window we have the opportunity for deep, transformational healing and it comes through the doorway of whatever feels most traumatic, most grief-filled, whatever triggers shame, wherever we feel out of control, wherever we think we are broken and will never find our way.
The ways I lied to myself and allowed my lover to subtly and overtly lie to me in order to maintain love and pleasure speak to me of how much I want love and pleasure in my life, and how wired I must be to associate pain with love and pleasure.
Learning that helps me know myself better. I’m not going to judge myself for it. I’m going to dedicate myself to healing, so I can show up for the rest of my life and the people who love me, and the soul purpose only I can fulfill. I’m going to work the sh@#+t out of this experience to make it empower me.
Are there areas in your life where you trade love and pleasure for your own authentic connection with spirit and your soul? Can you see it clearly, change it and have compassion for it? Can you look at it from another viewpoint so that it can become fuel to support your full empowerment?
I texted my sister Trina to say “I’m free now to deal with my addiction obits own terms,” meaning to say “on its own terms.” She writes back–“addiction obits isn’t a bad thing though.” Then:
“Here lies Tami’s addictions. They were excellent teachers but eventually could not withstand her commitment to her own liberation and that of others, and died this week of overexposure to truth. May they rest in peace.”
I laughed out loud. I didn’t think I could do that right now. Thank the Goddess for sisters!
Whatever you’ve been struggling with–and I cannot name a single person I know right now who has not been struggling, look it in the f-ing face. Let it be your teacher. This is not the time to hide. This Full Moon is our time to fully dive into the shadow we have been avoiding. Be as fiercely honest with yourself as you can be. Where have you been hiding? Where have you not been telling the truth about who you are and what you want? What do you know that you have not been admitting to yourself?
It’s time to take back your power. This is part of the journey. Look at the parts of yourself you are afraid to see. Look deeply. With fierce love and a commitment to seeing beyond to healing, to integration, to wholeness. None of us are alone on this journey. None of us are without our broken parts in need of healing.
I dedicate all the pain, shadow, loneliness, grief, fear, love, shame, guilt, confusion that arises within me over these next days–I’m not afraid!– to be composted under the light of this Full Moon aided by the alchemical medicine of Pluto and Mars, into strength, resolve, and a clearer sense of soul purpose.